I'm going to start with my experience of working with men in prison. The opportunity arose unexpectedly as a student when introduced to a charity providing a counselling service to men in prison. I worked with many men over the 2 1/2 years and almost all of them had experienced sexual abuse at some time in their lives. I came to appreciate the links between sexual abuse and crime, as many adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse struggled with attachment and a sense of belonging. Being seen as important and feeling accepted within organised gangs or criminal environments in their younger years would help to fill the void. Through therapy I saw many of them begin to heal from what was often a complex and traumatic childhood, often having journeyed through the care home or fostering path, leaving me questioning who they could trust if not their carers.
As my work with survivors continued outside of the prison environment, I began to notice some common factors that connected many of these clients as shame, guilt, confusion, fear, doubt and the misinformed belief that it couldn't happen to them because they were male. The more I spoke with these men the more I learned how such blocks were getting in the way of them sharing or even acknowledging the reality of their experience and accessing the help and support they so desperately needed.
The impact the sexual abuse or rape would have on these men’s lives was huge.
There was also a significant impact on relationships as many found it difficult to trust, express their feelings and speak to partners about their past abuse, even if they did recognise their experiences as abuse. For some, having no healthy relationships role modelled to them as a child, I noticed in therapy they would be reacting from a place of trauma within their own close or intimate relationships as well as everyday interactions with others. Violence be it physical or verbal was often their learnt way of telling others they were hurting or upset, a crying out to be heard, noticed or having a need met. Other survivors may develop a dependency on drugs or alcohol as a way to cope and suppress the difficult feelings. I experienced men struggling with work, social and family life as they battled with feelings of not being deserving or good enough and difficulties with trust.
The shame felt would bring up questions about why it happened to them and what they had done to encourage it. I experienced men trying to justify why it happened and expressing that they somehow deserved it, even if the abuse happened to them as a child. In therapy working with the younger self that was abused would see many of my clients start to understand what happened to them and how it is effecting them as an adult. Healing can be complex and take time but I believe the time I spent with these men was valuable and often saw the start of their healing process taking place.
Many men would be confused as they would experience arousal and even orgasm leading them to believe that they enjoyed the experience and therefore it was not rape or sexual abuse. I heard this common misperception from so many men in therapy. Rape Crisis makes it clear that; Orgasming or experiencing feelings of arousal during sexual violence doesn’t mean it wasn’t sexual violence. Therapy can help with understanding that the body’s natural way of responding is to react to its external environment, in this instance physical touch. The cremasteric reflex, also known as the groinal response, occurs when the genitalia or surrounding area is stimulated. This is an autonomic response, meaning it is not under a person’s conscious control.
The alpha male image of men, so often portrayed in our society, creates a barrier for those who have been abused to come forward and seek support. In my experience, working with male survivors, they came to therapy with a belief that they are weak and blaming themselves for the abuse that happened to them. Doubting their experiences they were left questioning if it was rape or sexual abuse because of the shame and confusion. I feel it would be helpful to pause a moment to think about consent and what that actually means.
Rape Crisis England & Wales defines consent as:
Consent means agreeing to something by choice and having both the freedom and capacity to make that choice.
It is NOT consent if:
- Someone was asleep, unconscious, drunk, drugged or 'on' drugs.
- Someone was pressured, manipulated, tricked or scared into saying yes.
- Someone was too young or vulnerable to have the freedom and capacity to make that choice
Consent can be withdrawn at any time, including during a sexual act. Just because someone consented to something before doesn’t mean they consented to it happening again.
With one in six men having experienced sexual abuse or rape, it is now more important than ever to get the message out that it does happen to men and they do have the right to be supported
Whilst writing this article, a number of feelings come up for me, mainly frustration and sadness that as a society we still expect men to ‘man up’ and get on with things alone. Men are human beings too and every human deserves to be heard, understood and feel safe in their relationships, families and work, no matter their age or life history.
Another feeling I have is hope. Things are changing and by writing this article I hope it will bring greater awareness to all who read it and that every man it speaks to feels more comfortable about seeking support when they feel ready.
Written by a Safeline Therapist
August 2023
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